“You Can’t Say You Can’t Play”, by Vivian Gussin Paley. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1993. 134 pages. $10.
Rejection – all of us have experienced the agony of it at various times in our lives. How wrenching it is to watch our children face rejection. How embarrassing to see them ignore others. How many of us have felt uncertain about how to handle this sensitive issue? Do we respect our children’s needs for independence and choice in play situations or do we tackle the sticky moral dilemma of how to help them to accept others?
Vivian Gussin Paley grapples with the issue of rejection in a kindergarten classroom. Although this book seems aimed primarily at educators, it provides many poignant insights for parents, particularly into the hearts and minds of five year old children. It is thought provoking because of her compelling conclusion that even kindergarten children clearly understand the nuances of rejection. Moreover, the author’s exploratory discussions with students at every elementary grade level revealed its devastating impact on kids and their instant recall of painful events “as if they had just happened.”
The book is quite unconventional. Paley weaves a children’s story about loneliness and rejection throughout her progressive account of children’s perceptions of rejection. She is scrupulous about letting children speak with their own voice, and allows her understanding of rejection to be determined by their experience of it – not by her own preconceptions. While she begins tentatively, she gradually pieces together the powerful conviction that exclusion is a question of habits formed in the early years of school, and not a matter of the identity of those excluded. The result is a heart-rending plea for the protection of children from this destructive process of habituation.
A kindergarten teacher at the University of Chicago Laboratory Schools, acclaimed for her pioneering work on the uses of the storytelling technique in the classroom, Paley’s teaching approach is refreshing and intriguing. Her deep respect and love for children and her abiding belief in their wisdom help her to move from indecision to resolution about implementing the rule, “You can’t say you can’t play”.