The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families by Mary Pipher, Ph.D. New York: G.P. Putnam Sons., 1996. 282 pp. $24.95.
Have you ever wondered what your ancestors would think about your life? They would probably be astounded by our laborsaving technologies. They would doubtless marvel at the volumes of information we have at our fingertips. They might also think we are totally crazy because we are all so busy juggling marriage, parenting, work, friends, and a myriad of other responsibilities. Given the radical “improvements” of modern civilization why does family life often seem so hectic and out of control? Why don’t we have the time and energy we need to make our families stronger, happier, and more productive?
Mary Pipher, the author of The Shelter of Each Other, is well placed to deal with this question. She has many years of experience as a psychologist in private practice in Lincoln, Nebraska. Her first book, Reviving Ophelia, published in 1994, attracted a wide national audience. Since then she has been lecturing around the country. In her work and travels she has collected stories about families that have culminated in the writing of this book.
In this book, Pipher examines the impact of our cultural context on families. Her approach is to compare the challenges and resources available to two families from two different time periods: the beginning and end of the twentieth century. She presents a strong case that the preoccupations of families have shifted away from physical survival to potent psychological struggles. Families of an earlier time were deeply connected with one another because they were relatively more exposed to the harsh uncertainties of life. They were dependent on one another for survival. Moreover, families tended to belong to tight-knit communities with clear rules that established accountability. Although such social contexts may sometimes have been judgmental or unenlightened, at least they provided families with clear guidelines for how to live.
Pipher juxtaposes this historical context with more recent times to great effect. In our time, she argues, the rise of electronic communications has put us in danger of information overload. Television has isolated people both inside and outside families. The escalation of violent crime has created an environment of fear while the entrenchment of consumer culture has bred dissatisfaction with family lifestyles. The disintegration of organized religion and the subsequent shift to dependence on popular psychology have contributed to a crisis of meaning and values. Furthermore, many people are now engaged in highly specialized, often abstract jobs where it is less obvious that they are doing something useful. Pipher is convinced that there is a thirst for values, for something greater than us, for something to which we can dedicate our lives.
Along the way, Pipher delivers a searing indictment of the field of psychology. She says that it displays a one-sided emphasis on dysfunction and individual fulfillment. This has discouraged moral accountability and broken the nurturing bonds of family life. Pipher also gives a thoughtful, common sense, and caring account of how psychologists can shift from focusing on weaknesses and pathology to nurturing the natural resilience of families.
Pipher’s book is a reality check. It is fascinating to read and compelling in its analysis of the changing social environment for families. She helps us to see the problem and also plausibly argues for a solution that restores relationships within families and connects families to outside resources. Specifically, she shows how families can be strengthened by passing down stories and metaphors, by focusing on rituals and celebrations, by sharing common interests, and by taking time to be together in healthy environments (outdoors, family meals). That’s why the deepest message of this book is hope. Just as people in pockets all over the country are finding unique, creative ways to live rich, full lives with families at the heart, we can too.