The Passions of Fatherhood by Samuel Osherson, Ph.D. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1995. 288 pp. $?.
Motherhood has been written about from every possible angle. Fatherhood, by contrast, “is one of the least understood and most mysterious relationships in our lives (xi).” In recent years, as men have been exhorted to share more equally in the joys and challenges of parenting, how-to books for fathers have become popular. For the most part, however, these books neglect a basic question: What is it like for a man to experience fatherhood? The neglect of this question may be because “fathers hardly have words for describing the intimate dilemmas of fatherhood, and even when they do find words, many choose to keep their passions private” (xi). In any event, this book seeks to redress this lack by looking at fatherhood from the inside.
In the opening pages of this book I wondered how one father’s personal experience could enlighten us about the passions of all fathers. It seemed arrogant to presume that this was possible, but I persevered because of the good reputation of the author. As the book unfolded I was found myself being drawn into a courageously open and honest account of the myriad conflicting emotions faced by a father in his day to day life. Oshershon’s willingness to lay bare his soul gives unique insights into the daily triumphs and tribulations of fatherhood that I think most men would relate to in some way.
For instance, many fathers might identify with Osherson as he relates his feelings about Little League baseball. Seeing your son on the field brings back a flood of memories from a bygone era of your own successes and failures. Intermingled with these images is pride in your son as he bravely faces the hardballs. When he is hurt in the line of duty you agonize over whether to show your support or to let him deal with it himself. You want to protect him from physical pain but you are also excruciatingly aware of not wanting to shame him in front of his peers. Furthermore, you vacillate about what the other dads would do in your situation. Shame is foremost on your mind for yourself as well.
The book explores many delicate dilemmas of this sort. Finding the balance between toughness and sensitivity in raising sons. . . Muddling through to healthy boundaries with daughters who are often the second loves in a father’s life. . . Keeping alive a passionate sexual relationship while watching your lover become the mother of your children. . . Being torn between the comforts of the family and wanting space away from it to revel in relationships and work in the outside world. . . Wondering how to nurture the spiritual dimensions of your children’s lives when you aren’t sure of your own. . . Grappling with childhood experiences of fathering while evolving as a father…. Oshershon might meander around these issues, but his readers are treated to a ring-side seat in the process.
Samuel Osherson is a practicing psychotherapist and a research psychologist at the Harvard University Health Services, where he specializes in men’s development. He is also on the faculty of the Fielding Institute, and he lectures extensively around the country to professional and general audiences. Dr. Osherson is the author of Finding Our Fathers and Wrestling with Love and has contributed articles to many newspapers and magazines.
In tracing the competing, strong emotions through the vicissitudes of one man’s life we build up a sense of what it means to be a father. Women will probably find the book quite enlightening and men may feel a sense of relief that other fathers struggle with the same issues. As the author says, “there’s poetry in the ordinary, daily struggles of mothers and fathers” (xii). Judged by that standard, the author has met his goal.