The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. Chicago: Northfield Publishing. 1995. 203pp. $10.99.
In a culture where the notion of romantic love is closely entwined with our fantasies of marriage and what it will do for us, we may find ourselves disillusioned or discontent with the day-to-day realities of life with a partner, especially after children. This is not really surprising, since many of us enter this intense relationship with high hopes, harboring unrealistic expectations that our partner will meet unfulfilled needs or heal wounds from our earlier lives.
A couple of years down the road, when we’ve added a mortgage and a child or two to the equation, we end up with stress, problems, and complaints we could not possibly have predicted. Nothing underscores the challenge of building a satisfying relationship like the high divorce rate: one in two marriages fail to survive.
Dealing with these realities can often be a lonely journey, since the intimate details of a marriage are generally off-limits for conversation. There are a variety of reasons for this. Who wants to admit to having disappointments or problems? We may have trouble facing them ourselves. After all, these are problems that strike at the core of our lives: our emotional and financial security. We may worry that friends will be uncomfortable or critical when we discuss such matters. Or, our loyalty to the marriage may make confiding in a friend feel tantamount to betraying our mate.
Put off at first by the sentimental title, I let The Five Love Languages accumulate dust on the floor near my bed for some time after a friend loaned it to me. But my own eagerness for fresh ideas and my desire to make real changes eventually led me to open this book. What I found inside surprised me and caused me to rethink some idealistically held principles.
While at times I found author Gary Chapman’s approach to marital relationships simplistic and formulaic, overall his forthright discussion about looking at love as a choice makes good sense. A relationship, like marriage, in which another person gets to view our faults and failings at painfully close range, is rarely capable of sustaining those “in love” feelings. Ideally, though, as the giddy feelings fade, they are replaced by emergence of a life-long process of crafting and renegotiating a relationship that is both sustaining and emotionally fulfilling to both partners.
The author judiciously advises “Rational, volitional love… is the kind of love to which the sages have always called us”. Chapman suggests that the key to success in this process is becoming fluent in the emotional language of your mate. He outlines five ways in which the needs of partners can be met: through words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Depending on temperament and life experience, we are predisposed to one or two of these “love languages”.
Understanding our own preference is vital. We are most likely to attempt to fulfill our spouse’s “emotional tank” in the ways that are important to us and visa versa. The problem arises, Chapman claims, when there is a mismatch between the love language needs of each spouse. For instance, a woman who values gifts may find herself with a mate who values physical touch. They may end up chronically disappointing each other because each is inclined to offer love in a language that is foreign to the other. Learning which of these five languages is essential to our spouse and being willing to learn to respond accordingly will go a long way toward helping him/her feel cared for and loved. Likewise, when our partners are feeling fulfilled, they are more likely to respond to our emotional needs in the way we request.
Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in addition to his church educational responsibilities, directs marriage seminars throughout the country and counsels married couples regularly. This book has over 250,00 copies in print. He is also the author of Toward a Growing Marriage, Hope for the Separated, and Building Relationships.
Chapman’s premises certainly offer valuable food for thought and action; it is important to note that a critical component involves taking responsibility for yourself and your contribution to the relationship. It seems to me that improving the atmosphere in a marriage creates the possibility for building credibility and trust. From this solid foundation couples are more likely to be able to deal with the vicissitudes of life and marriage. I was glad I dusted this book off. It gave me some refreshing angles on old information that kick-started me in new directions.