Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates. Del Mar, CA: Prometheus Nemesis Book Company. 1978. 207 pp. $11.95.
Have you ever looked at your spouse and/or children and marveled at the variety of personal styles that have to be accommodated within your own family? Have you sometimes found that interactions with your loved ones are more contentious than you envisioned in that fantasy you created about the perfect family you would have? How many any of us have found ourselves living out the cliché, “opposites attract” in our marriages or partnerships, only to discover that what we found so appealing in the beginning has become a source of tension and misunderstanding in the long-term?
Take, for example, the fun-loving, spontaneous partner whose restless spirit of freedom attracted a goal-oriented person who is more comfortable with regularity and structure. This couple, initially energized by contrasting personal styles, may find it more challenging to negotiate once children enter the picture, when one person’s permissive, laissez-faire attitude clashes with the other’s belief in the value of routine and discipline.
Our relationships with our children are filled with complexities and contradictions. How often do we find ourselves altering our approach because what works with one child is completely lost on another? What about the child who seems programmed to push our buttons, causing a reaction that leaves us feeling both angry and guilty? Maybe we’re bothered by a perception that our partner favors one child or seems better able to relate to one child over another, or over us? Given these realities, what a challenge it can be to nurture and respect each individual family member’s temperament and craft a harmonious family environment!
David Keirsey, a long-time clinical psychologist of the gestalt-field-systems school and Marilyn Bates, a therapist and diagnostician, have devoted themselves to understanding Jung’s theory of psychological type in conjunction with the popular and widely used Myers-Briggs personality type indicator. A tool for self-assessment, their book begins with a questionnaire that enables the reader to rate him/herself along four dimensions; extroversion versus introversion, intuition versus sensation, thinking versus feeling and judging versus perceiving. Test results determine placement into one of sixteen distinct personality types. Subsequent chapters focus on a detailed explanation of the sixteen personality types. The book also covers romantic relationships and temperament, as well as temperament in children and its impact on relationships.
The book illustrates the way particular personality characteristics can be compatible and complementary or in conflict with one another. Thus, a quiet, easygoing child who enjoys amusing him or herself for extended periods of time playing imaginary games may be a godsend for a parent who thrives on solitude to recharge his/her batteries but who also prizes independence and creativity. On the other hand, parents who value neatness and order at home may feel frustrated and perplexed trying to manage and nurture a high-energy child who leaves rooms looking like war-zones after flitting from activity to activity.
The descriptive nature of the book and the absence of value judgments about the merits of various character traits raise our awareness of the strengths and challenges of each personality type in relation to others. It also encourages us to think less in terms of good or bad and wrong or right and more in terms of acceptance and compromise. Certainly we must be wary about labeling others, and mindful that all individuals are infinitely more complex than a theory’s description or the results of a questionnaire. However, if we can set aside our personal biases about particular traits we are on the road to acknowledging and respecting the uniqueness of others. Then we can begin a dialogue that addresses our need to manage differences and work constructively on areas of conflict. New understandings and insights can help break old self-defeating patterns and set family members on healthier paths.