Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma, by Nancy Samalin. New York: Penguin Books, 1992. xii+242 pages. $11.95.
Most of us automatically expect loving feelings to be a natural part of parenting. How many of us were prepared for the anger that our kids incite in us? How can such small, innocent beings detect and attack our vulnerabilities with such efficiency? How many of us agonize privately over our anger? How many feel guilt, shame, disappointment or a sense of failure because of it?
Nancy Samalin’s book is ground breaking simply because she has the courage to tackle a topic that we rarely venture to discuss in public. By addressing the theme of anger openly and recounting numerous anecdotes of parents who have taken her workshops she helps us to realize that we are not alone; anger is a normal part of life, even in relationships with our children.
Realism is at the heart of Samalin’s approach. That is important because acknowledging that feelings of anger are inevitable is the first step towards dealing constructively with them. Next, she encourages us to set our expectations appropriately. In particular, we should seek to change only those things over which we have control, and that means our own behavior. She examines hidden triggers that set off even the most caring parent, such as sudden visions of a future in which it will be difficult to be proud of the child’s achievements.
Samalin also offers eight strategies for managing (not eliminating) our anger. These strategies are exiting or waiting, staying in the present, concentrating on “I” not “you”, avoiding physical force and threats, staying short and to the point, putting it in writing (for older kids), focusing on essentials, and restoring positive feelings. She wisely reminds us that these methods are not fail-safe; techniques that work in one situation with a particular child may not work in all situations or with all children.
Nancy Samalin was a teacher prior to having children. Shocked by the anger she experienced as a parent she felt compelled to find a different way to relate to her children. This path eventually led her to train as a parent educator with a master’s degree and a diploma in counseling. Founder/director of Parent Guidance Workshops and an adjunct faculty member of The New School and Bank Street College of Education in New York, Samalin has lectured around the world and is the author of many popular parent education books.
Samalin’s insights and practical suggestions make this book well worth reading. However, it is her inimitable sense of humor which makes it fun to read. She helps us laugh at ourselves and keeps our joys and challenges as parents in perspective.